Saving Victuuri! (feat President Donald Trump)
by PlsHelpMePlsPls
Summary: The demons told me to write it.
1. Chapter 1

Yuuri knew it was going to be a bad day when Donald Trump kicked in his front door.

His apartment was meager, to say the least, just two small rooms stuck together: a bathroom and a living room with a stove and fridge awkwardly shoved in the back. Splayed manga, clothes and tissues littered the dimly lit room. Mr. Trump seemed unfazed by this, however, striking a pointed finger at Yuuri, and roaring "Get your pants on, kid! We're going to make America great again!"  
Utterly stupefied from the sofa, Yuuri yelped, knocking the tissue box off the nearby coffee table. "Nande kuso?!" He screeched, rolling off the sofa and hitting the ground with a thud.  
"That's right, kid! It's me! President of the U.S! You're coming with me to America!" Trump picked Yuuri up from the ground by the scuffs of his shirt, shaking him with each exclamation.  
When he finished, the two just stared silently at eachother for a moment. Yuuri tried not to flinch. "N-Nani-?"  
"I'll tell you all about it when we're on my private jet!" Donald promptly let go of Yuuri, who clattered onto the ground with another thud, before spinning round to face his bodyguards. "Incapacitate this man." He said coldly, a jerked thumb at Yuuri.  
Yuuri scratched his head on the floor. "Nani watashi..." He groaned, before being kicked repeatedly by Donald Trump's security team.  
"Sorry kid! Think of it as compensation for the Pacific War!" The President called over the sound of Yuuri's crunching bones.

* * *

Yuuri gasped as he jerked awake. He was upright in a leather chair in a strange lengthways cylindrical room. Next to him, the expanse of the ocean stretched outside a small window. A plane, he quickly realised.

 _"Glad to see you're awake, darling."_

A familiar voice made Yuuri splutter, _"V-Victor?"_

Indeed, seated opposite him in an identical leather chair was Victor Nikiforov. Victor reached forward to the small wooden table that separated them, picking up a glass of sparkling champagne. _"I'd offer you some, but... well, we both know you don't handle your drinks very well."_

Yuuri suppressed a blush, instead straightening up. _"Where the hell are we?"_

Victor paused mid-sip. _"...On the American President's private jet."_

Exasperated, Yuuri threw up his arms. _"Why?!"_

With a shrug, Victor just replied, _"Don't ask me. I just woke up here a few minutes ago after he broke into my house."_

Yuuri felt like he might've exploded had the orange faced president not strode up and taken the seat next to him. A young, elegant Japanese female took a seat next to Victor. As the orange president began to speak in that annoying language Yuuri didn't understand, the Japanese female began to softly talk over him in Japanese. Not talk over him, Yuuri realised, but _translating_ him.

 _"Good evening, chinks."_ The young woman spoke evenly, _"I hope you realise that the champagne is not complementary."  
_ Victor choked on his drink, the President indeed stared at him before continuing - his rash, throaty voice followed by the delicate notes in the young woman's. _"I have called you here today to put a stop to a national emergency."_

With a wave from the President, a crew member approached where the four were seated, holding up a poster that detailed a badly drawn picture of Yuuri and Victor kissing, with words that Yuuri recognised to be from the engrish language. The young woman read out the poster's title. _"Yuuri x Victor yoai fanfic by yoaifan6969."_

Yuuri folded his arms. _"Seriously?"_

The President continued through the young woman. _"Yuri, Ever since you announced that you were straight in season 2, reliable consumers in my country stopped buying animated merchandise, which makes up 75% of the country's economy. What you see now was the last written fanfiction by an American citizen, back in 2018. Without dumb weeaboos buying into our market, the whole of America will sink to a low not seen since the Great Depression."_

 _"So what do you want me to do about it? You can't change my sexuality!"_ Yuuri protested, although he had a horrible feeling he shouldn't have opened his mouth.

The young woman relayed Yuuri's concern impassively. The President just smiled, his next words even.

Turning back to Yuuri, the young woman repeated, _"No. We can't. So we changed your gender while you were unconscious."_

Yuuri's face contorted in horror.


	2. Chapter 2

_"Yuuri? Please let me in."_ Victor braced an arm against the aircraft lavatory. _"We can talk this out."_

An angry sort of rustling resonated from within the lavatory. _"Go away Victor. Donald Trump ruined my life."_

 _"Think about all the fun ways you can explore your new body!"_ Victor pleaded _"It's not all that bad-"_

Yuuri threw open the lavatory door. _"No, Victor. It's pretty bad. I'm a dude who's now a chick on the outside, expected to get with a dude who's a chick on the inside. How can this situation be anything but bad?"_

Victor blushed. _"Well..."_ He scratched the back of his neck. _"When you put it like that..."_

A flight attendant approached the duo. "We'll be landing in an hour."

 _"Come to laugh at the transgender, is that it?"_ Yuuri's rage piqued, he whirled on the flight attendant.

The flight attendant blinked. "I'm sorry sir, I don't understand-"

Yuuri's eyes narrowed. " _You think you're entitled over me because you're straight? Well guess what, I'm a lesbian now, and I don't give a damn what you think!"_

Clearly uncomfortable, the flight attendant backed up a step. "I'm truly sorry sir, I didn't mean to offend-"

Victor placed a hand firmly on the enraged Yuuri, placing himself between them. "No worry." He managed in engrish. "My friend very upset because of the genitalia." To Yuuri's dismay, Victor made a scissoring motion to emphasis his point.

The flight attendant just hurried off.

Victor sighed. _"Yuuri, the American people did not elect that man President for no reason. For him to earn their trust, he must be a very sensible, tolerant and forward thinking man - we should have faith in his plan for the greater good of everyone."_

Yuuri's rage quelled. _"You really think so?"_

Victor burst out laughing, even tearing up. Yuuri folded his arms.

* * *

"Gentlemen- uh... gentleman and woman." Donald Trump checked himself as Yuuri and Victor followed him down the jet's steps. "Welcome. Welcome to Detroit!"

A homeless man stirred from a bench and a cat shrieked off somewhere in the distance.

"The landing fees here are pretty cheap, so this is where we're going to base our operation." The President spoke wisely, the sprawling city casting jagged shadows over him that blended awkwardly with his orange face.

Yuuri spun round to observe the jet. _"There's not even a runway, how did we get down here-"_

The President continued, "I have purchased such a base here in the city already, which we will travel to now."

"Hey... could you guys spare some change?" The homeless man that resided on the bench stumbled towards them. "My wife and kids are down in the sewer, and they have nothing to eat-"

Yuuri yelped as one of Trump's body guards opened up on the approaching man with an abnormally large shotgun.

"Don't worry kid." The President clapped a meaty, orange hand on Yuuri's shoulder. "I said I'd solve the population crisis, didn't I?" Trump tapped the side of his head thoughtfully, a stretchy smile on his face. Yuuri tried not to look at the shredded red pulp that used to be a man on the floor.

The translator hopped down the plane's steps just moments later. Donald Trump seemed to remember she existed and held up a finger. "Ah yes, we'll need Naomi here so we can understand eachother. Now-"

The group was approached by yet another man, this one however was covered in tattoos and didn't have as many holes in his clothes as the homeless man. "Mr. President? Is that really you?"

Donald Trump's ego seemed to purr as he twisted to face the man. "Yep! That's me!" Trump struck a patriotic pose, which the man met with an enthused cheer.

The man's face seemed to change as his gaze slipped over Naomi. "Is that a new wife?" He muttered, Naomi stared blankly back at him.

"Nope!" Donald Trump gave a striking smile, yet his eyes seemed to flash with painful memories of his previous spouses.

"I'll buy two shares in Trump Oil Industries for her." The man bargained.

Donald Trump didn't even hesitate before screaming, "Sold!" He promptly handed over Naomi.

The man began to make impromptu gurgling noises as he dragged off the completely unmoved Naomi off with him. Yuuri and Victor just stared after them.

"No worries!" Donald Trump gave his trademark grin, his episode of martial PTSD over. "I bought her from a gang who killed her parents! She'll be much safer here! You there." He jabbed a finger at his body guard. "You're the new translator." Yuuri and Victor followed Trump's gesture to the bodyguard.

"Sir, I can't speak Japanese." The bodyguard brought up validly.

"Damn chinks and their evasive language." Trump cursed, Yuuri and Victor exchanging confused glances. "No matter!" The President declared, moving toward a newly appeared limousine. "There's got to be some illegal immigrant here that I can blackmail. Get in!"


	3. Chapter 3

"For the last time, I'm Chinese! There's a difference!" Upon the sound of Trump's bodyguard cocking a high caliber handgun, however, the Asian individual Trump's limo had pulled up to on the side of the street quickly changed his mind. "Well... I suppose they're not that different! I'm sure I can figure it out! Heheh..." He chuckled nervously. The bodyguard lowered his gun.

Trump gave the Chinese man a great orange grin from the opposite seat. "You all look the same, surely you all talk the same!" He reasoned, a wise sparkle in his eyes. Yuri and Victor, who sat either side of him, shuffled uncomfortably in their seats.

 _"What the fuck is going on?"_ The man spoke rapidly in Mandarin.

Yuri, recalling his basic education in Mandarin, managed to reply. _"I seriously have no idea."_

Trump's grin stretched even wider. "That's the spirit! Now, we'll be arriving at my local mansion shortly, as will you two at your accommodations."

The Chinese man translated Trump's declartion into Mandarin, which Yuri eventually processed, replying with _"We're not staying at the mansion?"_

Nervously, the Mandarin fellow relayed Yuri's concern to Trump, who gave a hearty laugh. "Worry not! Your accommodations are of the finest quality!" Trump's limo pulled up outside a drab motel. "Get out."

Promptly, the bodyguards kicked Yuri and Victor out of the vehicle, which immediately screeched off into the distance. Icy rain began to drizzle as the clouds overhead congregated.

 _"I hate my life."_ Yuri exclaimed.

 _"Cheer up, I'm sure the President used this motel's appearance as a disguise, and the interior rooms are fit for the gods!"_

Yuri perked up at the possibility. _"You think so?"_

Victor strode ahead, " _Yuri, you're terrible with sarcasm."_

Grumbling, Yuri ploughed after Victor, pulling his hood up to ward off the attacking rain.

"Hey there beautiful, want to have some fun?" A grimy man in a sleeveless t-shirt leaning against a rusty truck leered at Yuri.

It didn't take a linguist to recognize a creepy question. "N-No Thsanks." Yuri replied nervously in Engrish, sticking closer to Victor.

* * *

Eventually the duo arrived at their room. Victor dug out the slimy room key from his trouser pocket and unlocked the door. As the creaky mechanism swung open, Yuri and Victor were greeted with a room no bigger than the interior of a trailer, with one single bed and a muddy bathroom without a door.

"Avant-Garde" Victor muttered, observing the room. Yuri tried not to inhale to deeply.

Victor strode onward, although it didn't take much time to reach the end of the room. _"Housekeeping could use some work."_ He commented, noting the strange stains on the pillow lining and quilt cover. _"But don't let appearances fool you, Yu-chan."_

Yuri just folded his arms.


	4. A final note

Hello, readers.

Unfortunately, due to something about a 'code of ethics', I am currently being sued by Donald Trump for featuring him in this story. I may have continued none the less - that is - if this website, the studio that produced Yuri on Ice, and the whole of Japan hadn't decided to sue me as well. Tragic, I know.

Regrettably, this means that I must discontinue my work on Saving Victuuri, and find a way out of my crippling debt.

Thank you for making this possible.


End file.
